sunday was the worst day of my life.
things are getting really hard
ive ballooned to 170+ lbs
mood: FEELIN' GROOVY IN 5781
got my jewish planner today. one of the prompts for this week, is what do I love most about myself, and how am I going to let that shine and change the world for the better? Some of the things I love about myself: mothering, good at saving money, good at creatively making money, resiliency, adaptable, creative, good at arguing. How does one make that for a better world? Uhm... arguing with the lawyer today or tomorrow to get money- as i cannot find legal representation, oh well- and finding more ways to make more money. We're really in dire straits with the new baby- formula is super expensive... (Note to Self: must call WIC to get formula vouchers!!!) Diapers are doable, but with the formula too? Oy. Too muuuuuuch.
mood: really friggin' good
i'm doing good! so... yesterday was my birthday! i had an awesome day with my sister. we went to the mall and got presents for me... but i really liked how much we talked. it was like, better, and more informal and human. I think that I often sum her up as perfect and forget she's not- she's just like me- she's goofy and funny and also can't drive at night! LOL (I can't either, and I'm only 29.) ANywayyyyyyyy, I actually told her about KVetchWorld! I only told my boyfriend about it so far otherwise, so that's cool. I was like "this is where i make anal sex jokes" lol. Which is weird, because I've only joked about that once (1 time!) on this blog lol. I still think it's funny though and I need to make more.
I still have that Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper song stuck in my head... "in the shadow-shadow-shadowwwwww".... it was on the radio in the leggings store last night.
Last night, i did the best reading i've done SO FAR. It may have encouraged a high schooler who struggles with self-harm to go back to therapy! I have been there as a high schooler struggling with self harm, so that was huge to be able to help out as much as i can to give back to the world that helped ME through all that
Last night, I got: 4 leggings! 3 shirts! Kirby hand sanitizer! Himiko Toga Funko Pop! Bra! Candle! Fragrance!
I feel so pampered it's so nice. I'm so glad I chose everything I Did.
Also, remember that book I was reading? "Jew-ish"? I put it on pause... I am just so taken aback by this one part... it's about the Shoah. It makes me really realize that I too had family that was left behind in the Pale who were eventually killed. And Nazis did it with malice and enjoyment... it stuns me to realize i have people who were related to me, killed in such a way. lots of ashkenazim have loads of cousins and such- and I wonder if my gr8-gr8-grandma left behind any who were later murdered. it's heavy, and has me stunned. hopefully i resume the book by sunday.
mood: tarot'd out
just did a reading.
mom came over today. had to talk to her about how she corrects my parenting in front of the kiddos. (like saying im too strict, basically.) it makes me look bad and it makes us look less like a united front, and more like two adults who aren't a stable force. that's gonna mess their sense of security up.
anyway, i made a linktr.ee
on MONDAY i go to the DOCTORS to see if i CAN HAVE SEX YET WOOOOO
Hopefully I can. This made me think, though. I need to take care of my heart! What if it goes bad? I heard heart problems can affect things like the ability to have sex... like, doctors will straight up tell some patients they can't... i don't know if i would want to live, if i'm going to be honest. i just dont know.
also, i realized i've been viewing my ex-bff through rose colored glasses. we were both toxic to eachother and argued a LOT. maybe it's for the best
what sucks though is that i have only a handful of friends without her. and i'm talking a BABY hand. (Like two friends... ok. One friend. You got me.)
the baby kept me up til 3 AM LAST NIGHT OY VEEEEEEEEEEEEY
mood: wakin' up
shabbat is tonight
we're having a late thanksgiving today, as the turkey didn't properly defrost yesterday. lol
I'm starting to not only get over my ex-bff, but be glad she left. abandonment isn't cool, but it shows you how much people really care about you... she would go to the ends of the earth to defend people that meant her harm, but when it comes to me having good intentions but being hurtful on accident? oh, unforgivable!!! ugh.
she doesn't even know i almost died while she hasn't been talking to me. Would she even feel guilty for being so petty while I was alive, had I died? Probably not. Our seperation is not her fault in her mind. She doesn't get that- while her feelings are real- they're still based in overexaggerated mock outrage. But sure, we'll see how long her new friends last.
When she comes back, I'll be gone. I'm tired of being abandoned by her for some reason or another. I can't do this to myself anymore. the little child within me freaks out when abandoned- i can't have THE PERSON I TRUST MOST keep abandoning me--- it's basically just replaying my childhood.... i can't abuse myself by letting this happen, over and over. it has to stop at some point--- and i can't trust her to stop doing this, so i have to stop accepting it.
i need a new effing computer and im NOT stoked 'bout this
made 21 dollars yesterday off my readings
mood: sleepy af
got only a few hours of sleep last night. running on coffee, monster energy, and soon cola drinks.
Once again, still can't believe my Best Friend dumped me as a best friend. This is life changing
Shabbat Shalom, btw
I attended Shabbat morning services via Zoom for the first time today
Also reading a new book, called "Jew-Ish"... it's non-fiction... it's the authors musings on Jewishness and Judaism
Gonna do a Tarot reading tonight after Havdalah
Baby has been sleeping well during the day, less well at night- but still alright
for me, the most enlightening times i've spent on the internet has been with people from all over the world talking about what they think american life is like. they think we're all divided, and even some dude in SOUTH AFRICA (y'know, the land of APARTHEID) thinks WE are racist (we are.) He was appalled by the polices' treatment of black people. I also got my ass verbally handed to me by a few women in England who thought it was insane Americans were allowed to have guns. (I disagree.)
Also, the way people live in other countries. I have an online friend who lives under Bolsinaro (yuck)...or Bolsinazi as he calls him. It's also interesting to see what mental health treatment is like in Brazil.
mood: wantin' to pay rent already
oof. i need a money order, and badly. i really wish i could buy one online.
found this cool website:
cool anime art stuff
excited about shabbat tomorrow night.
still thinking about my ex best friend on the daily. this rly hurts
mood: tarot got me confused
according to shonetta's divine tarot, my boyfriend is bored with me. gee, thanks shonetta. lol.
got another reading to do tonight, probably.
i want to start saying "im feeling sad," as opposed to just straight up saying "im sad".... differentiate between the experience of the feeling, as opposed to straight up identifying w that emotion personally.
i want to have sex
dyed my hair. f*ckin' love it
i want to learn ukrainian
mood: missing the dead
"and we'll all float on, ok..."
sometimes modest mouse speaks better than me. actually, all the time. i wonder if one could write a book w just modest mouse lyrics.
i worry about drew, but he's so peacefully conflicted. it seems nice. i am a bit jealous. he's so dead inside, and simultaneously a tumultuous sea of anger and sociopathic tendencies.
i've made peace with the fact that i am not a "nice" woman. i am a good one.
i can't wait to get the clear from the doctor to exercise and more. post-partum time period is BUNK! NOT happy.
weed continues to be the only thing to slow my brain down enough for me to recognize my toxic tendencies.
rabbi has succeeded at not responding to me. i'm ... kind of bummed, kind of pissed. he's a good person, tho, so i want to avoid being mean, as i so often do.
my sister visited today. my older son was cranky. i'm worried about my step daughter's health
watching high school dxd
coloring my hair tonight- "amethyst chrome"! my boyfriend picked it out. i love how i was like "hey, can you get me hair dye? surprise me." and he just, without skipping a beat, was like "ok" and picked it out. he's so friggin cool.
"Dramamine" is playing rn, and it reminds me of this girl i used to know since she was 12. she became a heroin addicted stripper, but now she's a mom i guess. i wonder if she's dead? idk.
other girls died. and boys. (joe nicoletti, andrea, shawn dunleavy, dj forbes, brandon from building 1, craig shea, tommy hunt, mooncricket, brian honold, joanna abrams, grace louise... grace louise was killed by a sixteen wheeler on a thruway-- she was arguing in the road with her equally abusive partner. they had a young child together, who wasn't in the car on the side of the road, thankfully. still. this lil baby has no parents.... and the "graycee L." from my youth group was trafficked by a drug dealer.) how innocence is robbed...
considering selling my apple stock. got called "joe rogan" today, which isn't the worst thing ever. my older son and i had a good day. the baby boy did too. i miss E. apparently she's possibly moving to rochester ??? ughhh... this is BS. I'm finally starting to understand who she is. (I tend to assume a lot about some people that happen to remind me of other people or whatever.)
gonna color my hair tonight
gotta clean the house.
i want drapes for the living room window ,but i can't choose, and it's such bullshit
drank 500 mg of caffeine. went to my first slaa meeting last night. realized im an emotionally abusive person. feeling low, but i need to feel like this, so i'm not trying to escape the feelings.
emailed the rabbi. considering selling my apple stock.
mood: shabbat lovestoned
decorated the sh*t outta the house, and been grieving my bff still.
u to the fucking wu
realized yesterday that i will avoid eating to make sure the kiddos have enough to eat. that's sad. i pity myself, lol. i need to stop pitying myself though. v alcoholic behavior.
today is thursday. shabbat starts friday night. finally have candles!
going to listen to UnOrthodox podcast this morning. It's about 5 am, and I woke up at 4. It's a nice way to start the day. Coca Cola and a podcast. Yep
Found out walmart sells smoked salmon, so yeah... i've been going without bagels and lox for no reason.
my bff hasn't contacted me in close to two months now. I want to go back to smoking cigs instead of vaping, because it reminds me of her. i have even been drinking more coffee, esp black, because i used to do that w her. I even run my hands under cold water to reduce inflammation, which i had a lot of when i lived with her one winter... so it reminds me of her somehow.
the baby is FUSSY today. I need to give him some TUMMY TIME! He loves that... which is so weird, as my other kid didn't.. I didn't even know a kid COULD like tummy time. Anywho, Baby has learned to scoot diagonally, pivoting in a counter clockwise motion. He can almost roll over, and doesn't fit in my baby sling.
Need to do a tarot video today (2, actually) but dreading it, because i get sad when Baby wakes up during the reading. The unexpected/expected interruption aggravates me. I don't like a change like that. Autism.
mood: peaceful and mellow-high... & Trump-less!
Feelin' hella mellow. Mom is coming over at 2. We will help her learn how to plug in her brand-new drill. she's also totally gonna return it after she uses it for the one thing she needs said drill for....bwahaha. We talked about that before she even bought it.
Rabbi still hasn't answered my email inquiring about what to do next. Uhmm Halp pl0x?
LOL. Pl0x reminds me of "bagelz-n-l0x"??? Damn , I want some now.
Maybe being an orphan
Means always confusing love
With someone who
Is never coming back
anyway, that's a poem from my friend polly marston
I made my first post-hiatus sale on my tarot business
also going to possibly meet someone about two necklaces in the middle of the week, but im not counting eggs until they hatch. Gotta call my OBGYN
mood: assfuckt ~Y~ stoned
he l l o
Still 167 lbs. At least it's not more. Also, Rabbi hasn't emailed me back.
Thinking about what to get people for the holidays.
Stoned... It's a gut Shabbos indeed
Happy Halloween bitchhhzzz
And happy birthday, Bernice from Torah Study!
I really wanna buy more pothos. Pothoses? Pothosi? The green plant, bitch. In plural form. I want a lotta 'em
mood: kinda blah and yet restless
gotta email rabbi about the next steps in my conversion
also, gotta figure out how to get J back as a friend??? nah... no mas, no more emotional labor on my part. if she wants to be friends, she will contact me. I have to accept the things i cannot change and stop chasing people. Plus, she has no address that I know of right now (i think she lives in an RV now) and so I doubt i'd be able to mail her a KushKard like I was planning on.
the baby is doing great! so is my older son.
i realized i pick fights with K. He's right. I feel like i do it because i feel like that's the only way he pays attention to me instead of his game.
still 167 lbs. Instead of losing weight the first month post partum, i think my new goal will just be maintaining my current weight. "start slow, win big" sorta deal.
So much has gone on with the site. I added a few pages that i will link to later. also, here's a cool youtube video to pass your time:
it's shabbat and im on the internets
also, i've scrapped the whole, "youtube channel for a talking plant" idea. Didn't gain enough traction.
anddd, apparently i had severe preeclampsia for almost that whole pregnancy. Wot??? TGIFGB (thank goodness I finally gave birth)
had a baby, btw
follow me on twitter : @bagelz_n_l0x
finished the book the rabbi recommended on Yom Kippur.
my lesions i was diagnosed with 10 years ago... do i still have them??? idk.
in other news: i'm planning a day where i read all of the book my rabbi recommended me.
also, i think my best friend OF 14 YEARS and i are having a friend-breakup. I don't think she wants to be friends with me anymore.
need to buy acrylic paint for the glassware. tried regular acrylic paint and it's.... not working. lol. too chonky.
the baby is due in 18 days. so excited.
had a great day yesterday... making a youtube channel where i pretend to be a plant. gonna start customizing the glassware i ordered.
things i did lately: decided to homeschool, scheduled dr appt for son, rescheduled my primary care, got refills sent in, called pharmacy, finished food stamps app, finished disability recert & got approved again until 2023, called to schedule recert w landlord but they didnt follow thru so now im gonna have to do it again (no biggie,) took care of my health by calling my OBGYN, took C out on the porch, been working on my parenting, logging into ITR more often, gotten my order of glassware to customize and then sell, started doing to do lists again, filled out rent money order......
You need to trust...
ok, so today i thought i had preeclampsia. apparently im just "dehydrated." tbh I still think I have preeclampsia, but they'll see more details at the end of the week with my appointment then. I'll have another urinalysis, hooray!
my boyfriend proceeds to be awesome. he left me the last of his cookies with a cutout heart on them so i knew they were for me. like seriously. we are so perfect for eachother and life would be nothing without him and some other people in my life. My son is my everything everything. Like, EVERYTHANG. I need them all for the puzzle to be complete. Kev is a major piece.
i think my D.I.D. is getting to be more pronounced. am i afraid of childbirth? probably. who wouldn't be?
my cat is cuddly tonight. as is he everynight.
listening to spanish asmr.
You need to trust
That your friend will return your library books
That your accountant did the taxes right
That your Rabbi knows what he’s talking about
That your child will succeed
That your partner loves you
Because you’ve been wrong
Again and again
And feel like you’re surrounded
By amey ha aretz who just don’t get
What they’re supposed to do
Or supercilious khaverim
Who are too full of themselves
To do something to help anyone else
If it involves the least amount of risk
Isn’t it better
To trust yourself and yourself only?
Then you can be sure
It was done fully and properly
How can you be sure otherwise?
But we are told to trust.
To hold ourselves safe yes,
But also to trust
That God is there
That we are loved
That we have friends
And will still care
Should we forget
To return the library books
I weigh 196 lbs and I'm 36 weeks pregnant. Also, less into the concept of being a standup comedian right now. More into the concept of selling customized bongs... which also have not come in the mail yet.
"Shema Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Echad Amein "
(hear o Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is one)
I find it more believable that Torah was written by Hashem, than the idea of a mere human having written it.
The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When evil-doers came upon me to eat up my flesh, even mine adversaries and my foes, they stumbled and fell. Though a host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war should rise up against me, even then will I be confident.
today i've been writing some jokes, seeing which ones land and get "the likes"... super cool desu ne
hey i got 2 quick questions: how is my ex one of the most well known local comedians, and why do i care so much